Dear me

(Disclaimer: I could not care less about the grammar mistakes nor about typos. If all you see is that, I suggest you take your luggage and travel to another blog, this is surely not made for you.)

Dear me,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately, mostly about your dreams and hopes but somehow, I got to all those times when life seemed to be a failure. I am not saying that it was, I am simply stating what others have before, making me doubt and question the journey as it was seen through their eyes.

A few years back, in a cold November day, there was a plan, where did it go? When did I lose track of how it was supposed to actually go and why, just why don’t I even see it as I did back then? Somehow I got lost in between the 30 and 60 square meters and stopped dreaming when I got up to 50.

Is it OK, is it not? Who decides that, what are the metrics and expected results? Rhetorical questions, even if I am pretty sure there are a few that think they are entitled to raising the hand and saying „I get to decide, I get to be the judge of that”.  Well, news flash: I believe I am finally old enough to decide who gets to say something or to be listened to, simply because the titles of „Recycle bin” or „Mother Theresa” have been long taken and are no longer available for me, nor are the expected behaviors: having open ears and and eyes for all garbage the world wants to dump in or saving the humanity from itself.

I have never believed in New Years resolutions, nothing changed, it just happened that I had a bit more of free time and lots of peaceful moments to think and decide how things are going to move from now on so here, below, a few messages to whoever thinks might be concerned:

  1. I will no longer run the race on your behalf. Your life, your race, be adult enough and put in it all required effort. Make a step, put wishes down, get vitamins, do whatever you think is needed to fight your own battle. Once you are done, try coming back, there are still things to be clarified but with this mind set, there is no chance for success in bringing the light where it belongs.
  2. Decide what is your dream, I will not dream it on your behalf, nor will I lose my mind trying to figure out a way to succeed, regardless of your expectations. I can enjoy the ride next to you but I will not live the dream from your shoes, through your eyes, I have been doing it for too long with no results.
  3. Keep your burden, do not make it mine, I am not interested in back pains anymore, apparently at the end of the road you make your burden my problem and I make my problems go into the foggy horizon just because I am unable to joggle with 3 items or more (surprise, surprise, this Universe does not breath or live through you, there are others that dump burdens on my shoulders as well).
  4. Stop lying and being cocky, once you have lost my respect I can assure you there is no way you will get it back. Maybe just if, God forbid!, I will need a kidney and you are the only matching donor – well, there might be a chance to get some respect back if I see you can also give away, not only demand things.
  5. Get used to the fact that what makes you happy does not make me as well. We are different, I do not share your passion for boredom and mediocrity hence, I am no longer willing to share what makes me happy – anyway, you only listen to yourself, why bother sharing?

Hypothetically, if I had the resources, here is what I would like to do: not because it’s a brand new year but because it seems to be (like so many other times before) a brand new me:

  1. Travel some place exotic, on my own, depending on no one
  2. Take at least a city break/ month, just to enjoy this life and it’s beauty, I can feel how short it is
  3. Care less about your opinions and start caring more about myself
  4. Learn what respect really means, self respect (I am pretty sure I have no doubts about what respecting others means)
  5. No longer be happy with „a half of”: the truth, time, respect, friendship, love, a conversation, a room. I will need it all, in full. If it’s not full, then you can keep it and give it to someone else. No compromise. Yes D, you get to say I am demanding, you invented the „state of mind”
  6. Find the dream house, fight for it and get it, with olive walls and big windows, with a huge yard and the best dog.
  7. Move, since I am not a tree, I get to move, as many times as I want in as many places I dream of. I still get to call any place I wish „my home” as long as my full heart is in it.
  8. When the time comes, find S and bring her home, where she belongs. Then go one extra mile and find N and bring him home too, in the end, it will be a full house, just like it has been planned to be.
  9. Wear my good shoes as often as I wish, put make up on whenever I feel like it and stay in my rocking chair hours, not caring about who knocks at the door, just because it feels good and cozy.
  10. Never allow anyone else (yes, that is right – no one!) to tell me what makes me happy, I have a mind of my own and I am not afraid to use it. You’d think that by this age at least this is what I know: what puts the smile on my face and what makes my heart peaceful.
  11. Buy that one way ticket.

In this new year, feel free to skip my name in the phone agenda if all you need is attention, take your suitcase and go to another harbor when you feel like moving your burden in my hands, push your recycle bin a few feet away when all you have is hate and sour words, jump in your car and drive the full highway if all you expect is another compromise.

This year, there will be NO compromises and NO exceptions, despite your name, gender or connection we built, at home, at work or in our private lives.

Mark these words: NO COMPROMISE. NO.

 

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